


I can live neither with you, nor without you

by seamanthedog



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Age Difference, Drugs, Human AU, M/M, Toxic Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-23
Updated: 2014-12-23
Packaged: 2018-03-03 00:41:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2831894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seamanthedog/pseuds/seamanthedog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Kaneki found himself wrapped around the other. Bare sweat soaked skin pressed together and a fog of smoke enveloped the room. Kaneki rested tired and spent against them. Their pseudo-relationship seemed to just happen suddenly. A particularly hard hit—after their second or third time getting high together—had left him gasping and coughing, and Uta had went from patting his back to kissing him. It had evolved from there. The next time, Kaneki had crawled into Uta's lap and pressed an earnest kiss to his lips. It felt good to be wanted, and every time Kaneki found his way to Uta’s place, he was met with high-soaked lips and fingers that traced invisible tattoos into his skin.  </p>
</blockquote><p>Kaneki’s the new high school student in town and Uta’s a troublesome non-graduate looking for excitement and a way to get out. They find each other, ruin each other, and maybe help themselves along the way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I can live neither with you, nor without you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [typervoxilations](https://archiveofourown.org/users/typervoxilations/gifts).



> Okay, this is my first Tokyo ghoul fic (and first actual fanfic I’ve written in two years) so I hope you like it! I tried to incorporate your “happiness isn’t easy” prompt and the bittersweetness that you wanted! There’s some sort-of-not-really wall/public sex too lol. Human AU, age-difference, some toxic relationship involved.
> 
> also beta'd by me so all mistakes are my own.

 

The start of high school for Kaneki was pretty easy.

 

He was smart enough to get decent grades, nice enough to get along with everyone, quiet enough to blend in, and happy enough to not worry about the future. Three years later, the death of his mother and a move to a new place to live with his aunt, left him starting his senior year with a lot of black in his future.

 

He chanted to himself that he wasn’t afraid and walked determinedly up the stairs to his high school. The sight of the long hallway filled with students, all smiling, all happy, all knowing what they were going to do later that day, had him faltering in the entrance.

 

Maybe he was a little afraid.

 

The first day was a lot of stumbling and stuttering and embarrassment for him. Before he’d been an anonymous in his large high school, probably known as “Kaneki who?” He was never ridiculed but never talked about either. A blur to everyone but his best friend Hide and that’s what he’d liked about it. Anonymity gave him freedom. He spent that time reading everything he could get his hands on, and helping his mother with the housework when her shifts ran late at the convenience store. It was a peaceful life, probably boring to others, but to him it was everything.

 

Here, eyes followed him everywhere. Kaneki was the new kid in town, an anomaly—because who would move here? By now he’d heard several whispered conversations about why he was there, from being a delinquent kicked out of every school in a 100 mile radius, to the partial truth (“I heard his mom killed herself.”)

 

He hated every moment of the first day. The second day was worse. Kids attempted to talk to him. They wanted to know who he was but most importantly why he was there. At lunch he found himself cornered by two girls in the library. Their faces read sympathy and he already knew what they were going to ask.

 

“Kaneki Ken, right? Hi! I’m Linn and this is Ren.” He shook the first girl, Linn’s, hand. It felt soft. He wondered if she read. If any of them did. He’d found the library held barely three hundred books, but it did have a few places tucked away where he could disappear from the staring. “We were wondering…well um…” Her gaze shifted over to the taller girl, Ren, as if asking for help.

 

“We don’t get many new people in town and my mom went to school with your aunt. Anyway…we were wondering if you needed anything?”

 

The shorter piped up suddenly, her voice too loud and too high for the confines of the library, “We heard that your mom died…”

 

The taller girl elbowed the other and he heard the squeak of protest but he was already too preoccupied with finding a way out.

 

But his body froze up and he felt his eyes blow wide in fright. His terror was crippling and his body began to shake. Kaneki watched the girls look at him with worry and stammer out apologizes but it was too late. He couldn’t even get words out but he gathered up all his strength and felt his lips fumble around words. “No-no. I c-can’t.” Kaneki couldn’t speak, couldn’t deal with any of it, and he felt his body boil with heat as he bolted away. His breathing only returned to normal when he sat anonymous in a bathroom stall away from prying eyes and even worse questions.

 

***

 

After that people mostly avoided him, which he was grateful for. Sure, there were still whispers, probably would be until he graduated and moved away but it was nice—easier— to fade back into silence and books.

 

He grew into a pattern of going to school, disappearing, and going home. On the weekends his pattern shifted to match his aunt’s mood swings. Sometimes it was pleasant—he could remain hidden in his room for hours without notice—other times he was left fending with wildly manic cursing, sometimes at him, sometimes at his mother, and always about money. Sometimes he managed to slip away before glasses would shatter near his head.

 

That’s how he found himself walking along the empty sidewalk. It was drizzling, nothing too bad, but he’d forgotten a coat and an umbrella. His only options seemed to be to find a relatively dry place to crash for a few hours.

 

His feet carried him toward a rather large park that he passed on his way to school every day. It was empty, save for a few older looking guys near a sad looking skate area. They looked a little older than him but definitely like trouble. Kaneki situated himself on a damp swing and glanced their way carefully. The tallest among them, an extremely buff white haired guy, seemed to be talking sternly to a shorter guy with jet black hair swept to one side while the other side appeared buzzed. From where he sat, he could just make out the outlines of tattoos crisscrossing along the shorter one’s arms.  The last guy, rather average looking with glasses and hazelnut colored hair, appeared unfazed by the buff one’s scary appearance and slipped something out of his overly long raincoat to hand to the tattooed guy. Kaneki couldn’t see what it was but he was smart enough to figure it out. It screamed drug deal.

 

Suddenly a gorgeous red-headed woman bounded forward and latched onto the white-haired guy. The exchange was brief and the guy appeared extra terse. It was only when their gaze shifted to him that he realized he was being watched by tattoo guy. Kaneki felt a prickle run up his spine and he debated bolting from the area but that would make him appear even guiltier. The tattoo guy started moving his way, after giving a short kiss to the red-head and flipping off glasses guy, and Kaneki definitely felt trapped. He could move if he wanted to but he was pinned under fear and desperation. The latter something he didn’t understand yet.

 

The other’s gaze was piercing and as he grew closer he noticed the deep red hew of the other's irises surrounded by a pool of black. They were obviously wearing contacts but that didn’t stop the affect from making goosebumps rise on his arms from the unnatural color.

 

Kaneki all but stopped in his slow back and forth movement on the swing.

 

The guy wasn't wearing anything but a gray tank-top and he got a full view of the intricate tattoos that snaked along his arms.

 

“Want a hit?” Black painted finger nails waved a small bag of white powder in his face and Kaneki sat, frozen.

 

He felt his head shake mechanically before an embarrassing stutter left his lips. “N-No I-I—” Whatever he was about to say became cut off by the other’s bright laughter.

 

“Kid, it’s alright. Just thought it polite to offer since you were staring so intently.” A lop-sided grin planted itself on his face and Kaneki didn’t know what to do. Interactions with people had long been a struggle for him, but now he felt like a complete foreigner, his tongue heavy in his mouth and throat constricting around words he’d never say. “If you don’t want this maybe you wanna try something easier. I got some joints back at my place, want to come?”

 

And he looked at Kaneki, so unguarded that he was taken aback. He felt himself nod and they motioned for him to follow. Kaneki didn’t know why he was standing and following close behind but he didn’t stop. Walking side by side, he cast furtive glances their way. Up close he noticed the piercings, on their lip and eyebrows. Their whole exterior screamed, “fuck you” and he understood the appeal of wanting to look different in a town like this. It would, and did, attract attention but it also seemed like it would keep most at bay.

 

“I’m Uta by the way.”

 

Kaneki attempted a reply back, his whole face alight in a blush.

 

“What? You’re gonna have to speak louder than that. I don’t have bionic hearing, unfortunately.”

 

“Ka-Kaneki…”

 

“Kaneki, huh?” Uta smiled like there was some kind of joke between them and continued walking.

 

Kaneki followed, his nerves building into a spectacular crescendo that had his fingers shaking. Somehow he made it to Uta’s apartment. It was a small studio with a tiny bed pushed to one corner and a couch and stereo in the other. Several tables were scattered around, wedged into spaces that they’d fit, and layered with magazines, pencils, paper, and half finished sketches. Covering most of the walls were different kinds of face masks. Uta motioned for him to sit over by the bed while he went over to one of the tables to dig around. Kaneki sat silently, on the very edge of the mattress, and looked at one mask situated above the headboard. It looked like it was made of black leather with an unsettling row of teeth, seemingly zipped together to form a wide smile. While that was odd enough, it only had one side open to see through. His attention was diverted from the weird looking mask at a sudden sound from Uta's direction. He pulled out from a pile of papers a rolled joint and smiled triumphantly.

 

“I knew this was lying around somewhere.” Uta laughed and pulled a lighter out of his pocket. “It’s been ages since I’ve had a joint. Trust me, after this little thing I’ll have you flying high on some much better stuff.” With practiced ease he brought the joint to his lips and inhaled deeply. With a dreamy look in his eyes, he exhaled slowly and grinned all Cheshire cat wicked. “Want me to tell you how to do it?”

 

Kaneki shook his head. He’d come all the way here, and although every ounce of him was screaming to go away and hide, he reached out and took the joint offered to him. While he knew the basics of what he needed to do he wasn’t quite prepared for the bitter sting of the smoke when it hit the back of his throat or the way his eyes watered terribly before he began hacking.

 

After the coughing fit he handed the joint back to Uta and batted at the smoke. His gaze was pulled back up to the masks and Uta followed. “You like them? I bought a few when I was younger and learned how to make them. Now I just make them in my free time.”

 

“You don’t sell them?” Uta shook his head and sucked in another lung full and blew the smoke away before making Kaneki take the joint again.

 

“Nah, I just give them away to friends mostly…here.” Uta reached up and grabbed the black smiling mask he’d been eyeing and gave it to him, “You can have it.”

 

“Wait, no, I can’t!” Kaneki tried to push the mask back into Uta’s hands but he wouldn’t have any of that and plopped it right into his lap with a grin.

 

“It’s fine. I think it suits you anyway.”

 

Kaneki had no idea what Uta meant by that but he was slowly feeling like he was floating so he didn’t care. Laughter bubbled up from his mouth and he fell backwards. He felt giddy, and strangely happy for once. He cast a glance over to Uta which made him roll with laughter for no reason. Uta started laughing too and it just devolved into more hits from the joint and laughter. Finally, he laid there feeling numb and tingly all at once and touched the mask with soft fingers, tracing over the wide smiling teeth.  

 

***

 

Only a few weeks after their first high together Kaneki found himself wrapped around the other. Bare sweat soaked skin pressed together and a fog of smoke enveloped the room. Kaneki rested tired and spent against them. Their pseudo-relationship seemed to just happen suddenly. A particularly hard hit—after their second or third time getting high together—had left him gasping and coughing and Uta had went from patting his back to kissing him. It had evolved from there. The next time, Kaneki had crawled into Uta's lap and pressed an earnest kiss to his lips. It felt good to be wanted, and every time Kaneki found his way to Uta’s place, he was met with high-soaked lips and fingers that traced invisible tattoos into his skin.

 

Eventually, in their euphoric states, they’d begun to talk about things they wanted. Uta had always been open with him, but it felt different when they talked about the maybe’s of the future. Uta knew he wanted out and Kaneki admired his calm assurance that it would happen.

 

“Where would you go?”

 

“I don’t know…Tokyo maybe. Somewhere bigger and less shitty than this place.” Uta’s fingers slid along his side causing him to shiver. Kaneki turned his gaze to Uta's chest and watched the soft rise and fall. Uta made a small noise and put out his cigarette before tugging on Kaneki’s hair with a tenderness only realized when they laid together. Kaneki turned his face upward and met the other’s nicotine tinged lips with a sigh. Wherever he went, Kaneki wanted to go too and that thought didn’t scare him as much as the possibility of it happening.

 

“Would you want to go back to school?”

 

“Mm…nah, I hated school. That’s why I dropped out. It’s too rigid. Plus there are too many assholes to deal with.” Kaneki’s gaze dropped down to the lip ring that rested snug against Uta's mouth. He understood his hatred of the place. “I’d find some place to tattoo. There’s this really famous tattoo artist there and they do some amazing stuff. I wanna find them and see how they work.” Uta’s gaze was wistful and wanting and when he turned it toward him, Kaneki felt an odd leap in his chest. Uta made him feel visible and he looked at him like he was the only thing that kept him sane.

 

It felt wonderful, the best kind of high.

 

***

 

Sometimes, being with Uta felt suffocating. He always wanted to get high and he always wanted Kaneki to get high too.

 

“Fuck!” Uta yelled as his hand trembled when he attempted to pick up a pen. In frustration, he threw it. It smashed against the wall, the cap flying off.

 

“You don’t need to draw something for me now…” Kaneki mumbled softly, watching the other fumble around until they’d pulled out a bottle of pills. Cupping a few in his hand, Uta downed them dry and tossed the bottle over to him. Kaneki held it in his hand and stared. The prescription label was torn off and the pills inside were an assortment of pink and white. His fingers shook as he popped the cap open and poured a few pills into his palm. Uta just glanced at him and nodded toward an old glass of water. Kaneki just stared at him and tossed the pills back. They slid down his throat roughly and he thought he felt the start of a burn but it was gone as soon as Uta looked at him like he was the sun.

 

Uta grabbed him and threw him on the bed, laughing as he straddled Kaneki’s waist and pinned his arms down to kiss him. Kaneki didn’t think it was from the high but his head felt all shades of fuzzy. He had something he wanted to say but Uta was licking into his mouth and swallowing his voice and he didn’t mind because he was used to his words being swallowed—maybe he’d even grown to like it.

 

***

 

Other times he thought maybe he was the one giving Uta the high.

 

“God Kaneki, you’re such a tease.” Uta bit along his neck and Kaneki let out a loud laugh.

 

Uta had his hands up his shirt and was lightly digging his nails into his side. It tickled and he couldn’t stop laughing even if he knew what it was building up toward. He was feeling extra warm, pressed against the wall in Itori and Yomo’s tattoo parlor. Uta worked part time for them, doing tattoos whenever he felt like it (whenever he could hold the needle straight) and tonight he hadn’t felt like working. Instead, he’d crowded Kaneki into a backroom as the soft buzz of Itori’s needle worked on someone’s skin and her loud laughter carried back to him. Kaneki had the faint thought that they shouldn’t be doing this but he grasped for Uta anyway. He wanted it and he said as much as the other ground their body against him. His fingers pulled on Uta’s belt with a tug and Uta’s warm tongue flicked along his adam’s apple with a weird sort of urgency.

 

They didn’t bother taking off clothes, rather Uta just tugged Kaneki’s pants down and grasped his cock and Kaneki’s in his hand. They had no lube so this was the best that could happen but Kaneki didn’t care because Uta’s long fingers were stroking him so, so good. And this was a high too--pressed so close together that he could feel Uta’s hot sticky breath on his neck and hear his groans of need against his skin. Kaneki's fingers pressed up the Uta's shirt to trace along his sides, over a half finished tattoo, and up to pierced nipples. Uta’s sharp inhale was pure satisfaction. Uta curled his palm over the head of Kaneki's cock as he grinded into him. Kaneki bit his lip to stop a moan but it wasn’t enough because Uta reached a hand around to dig his nails into his naked ass and he just lost it in the other's touch.

 

Whatever restraint he had was gone when he bucked up into Uta’s hand and pressed the loudest moan into his mouth. Uta’s rough mouth met his and he felt more than heard the husky, “come on, come on, come on,” that they panted out. And it only took a faster pull of Uta's hands and the brush of their thumb along the underside of his cock before he was inhaling a shuddering breath and releasing into Uta's hand. Kaneki watched with heavy eyes as Uta used his cum covered hand to grab his still hard shaft and stroke himself to completion. When Uta tensed against him Kaneki turned and pressed his lips to their jaw and kissed until he reached wet lips. Kaneki took in the soft, glazed look in Uta's eyes and the press of the other's heavy body against his, and just felt overwhelming desire. Uta eventually lifted himself up and grinned nice and wide for Kaneki. An exchange of a few more hot opened mouthed kisses, the help of Kaneki cleaning Uta’s hand with his tongue, and Uta’s slap to his ass as they exited the backroom left him in a giddy daze.

  

Only after Uta sat working on a customer did Kaneki feel a light sting near his neck. He pushed the collar of his shirt up and noticed the deep red mark left behind. He tried to catch Uta’s eye to let him know what he thought of the mark but he was too engrossed in his work. When Kaneki got up to leave, Uta met him by the door with a sly smile. “Meet at my place later? I got a new batch of X in that you _have_ to try.” Uta's hand reached up to slip under his collar and press into the mark he had made. Kaneki winced a little. “I also wanna give you a matching set.” Kaneki laughed softly and pushed Uta’s hand away with a shake of his head. Suddenly he felt tired and with a quick kiss he left.

 

***

 

Getting high with Uta was a weekend ritual until it became a daily thing. Half of his days were filled with hiding and the other half became a hazy, numb blur. Sometimes, by the time he made it to Uta’s apartment, Uta was too passed out to do anything with and he found himself heading to the tattoo shop. Itori and Yomo were scary at first. Itori was so loud and brazen and Yomo barely ever spoke but had a fierce intensity about him.  He could watch them work for hours though. They each had their own distinct art style and inked with such finesse it seemed the art was made for a person’s skin.

 

Sitting there one day he decided to comment on wanting something done. “Do you think you’d do one for me?”

 

Itori never looked up from her sketch as she replied, eyes focused so intently they looked cross-eyed. “What would you want done?”

 

Kaneki shrugged, knew she wouldn’t see, before he spoke, unsure, “Well…I was thinking of a Latin quote written in Greek…” His cheeks flooded with color instantly, as he knew she would guess where his inspiration came from.

 

“Like Uta’s neck tattoo?”

 

“Y-Yeah…sort of. Except mine would say, _difficilis facilis iucundus acerbus es idem_. It’s the first part of the quote…” Saying it out loud it sounded dumb but she didn’t laugh at him. Itori lifted her gaze from her sketch and smiled.

 

“You know I’m surprised you’ve stayed with Uta this long.”

 

Kaneki blinked in confusion. Sure they’d been together most of the year but he didn’t understand why she would question it. “Why do you say that?”

 

Itori laughed high and loud and brushed her hair behind her back with a flick of her wrist. “I don’t know…Uta’s kind of a bum. I was surprised he managed to find someone like you to date.”

 

“What do you mean someone like me?” His words came out offended despite his best efforts but her words stung. It felt like she didn’t approve of their relationship.

 

She shrugged and gave a soft hum in thought. “Well, someone not from here. Everyone in this town knows each other. And people who were born here usually die here and Uta was born here. People who move here never stay for long either...it just seems like something you couldn’t do, stay here…even for him.”

 

“He doesn’t want to stay here though. We’ve talked about leaving.”

 

Itori set her drawing pen down and stretched her arms over her head with a yawn. “That’s true. But he’s been talking about leaving ever since he hit high school. But I don’t think that’s really the issue. If you guys left what do you think Uta would do?”

 

Kaneki didn’t understand her question and knew his face voiced his confusion.

 

“For all the time you’ve known him, what’s the one thing he’s always done?” Kaneki opened his mouth to speak but Itori kept on going, her question not really needing an answer. “He gets high. Trust me, I love him to death, but he’s the worst kind of drug addict. Yomo and I have staged many interventions but it’s not like we can make him change.” He watched her shoulders sag as she gave a half-hearted smile. “It’s just sad because when he’s not high he’s truly the best artist I’ve ever seen. I think that might be why he’s like this, too much pressure when he was a teenager…” She trailed off and plucked the pen up again. “Anyway, I just want you to be careful…if you stay with him what will your futures look like?”

 

Itori turned her attention back to her work and Kaneki sat there in a stunned daze. While Uta had never explicitly talked about his past before Kaneki had guessed some of it. He just hadn’t realized—or he’d ignored—how important the high was in Uta’s life. He had accepted the drugs because it came with the relationship and he had desperately needed it—as an escape from thinking about his past and his future.  He didn’t need to get to high, never really did, but he had because Uta wanted him to.

 

He cast a brief glance over to Itori and mumbled out a goodbye before leaving. A twisted sad knot sat in the pit of his stomach as he went.

 

***

 

Kaneki heard a soft tap on his bedroom window and sat up. He blinked the sleep from his eyes and silently made his way out of the house. Uta stood thrumming in the street and Kaneki looked at him with concern. He looked high, his pupils blown wide behind his contacts, and eyes too bloodshot to be from just sleep. He watched Uta’s hands twitch by his side and walked up cautiously to him. The other smiled and quickly pulled on his hand to bring him closer.  

 

“I’m leaving tomorrow…” Uta’s gaze earnestly sought his as his voice pressed hurried and hushed into the night. The streetlamp outside his house flickered, on its last dregs of life and Kaneki watched the darkness encroach around it. His attention snapped back to Uta’s open expression. “Come with me.” It was an honest plea, something Kaneki had come to expect from him. In it he heard the need of the other, the want, the dream of something that could be.

 

And he saw it, their dream, the possibility of it floating into existence with a simple yes from him. They’d slip away after Kaneki had snuck in to pack a bag and to steal back all the money hidden away underneath a floorboard in his aunt’s room. They’d take Uta’s junk of a car and drive it as far as it would go before finally breaking down. Somehow they would hitchhike their way together until they made it all the way to Tokyo. Uta would find work tattooing at sleazy underground shops for shit pay and Kaneki would find some part time retail job. They’d find places to crash, somehow, and he could just imagine each stolen kiss at night as they fell tiredly together and every sleepy good morning as they drifted away to work. 

 

In that dream he also saw all the things that would tear it apart. Uta’s clammy hands as he clawed to find the needle in the middle of the night, his bloodshot eyes as he reached for Kaneki afterwards and tore through his clothes to feel skin on skin, the fights in the morning, the silent days of no talking, his eventual resentment for giving up his future for another day of high-strung words and harsh kisses.

 

Uta’s hands reached for him and grasped at his arm. Kaneki looked back at him, meeting his gaze. “I can’t go with you.” His voice was steady, if a bit breathless as he spoke. He watched the flash of emotion on the Uta's face and it felt like his own were bursting under his skin. As much as he wanted Uta, loved him, he couldn’t watch himself grow to hate him, even if that meant giving him up. Uta brought out every emotion Kaneki forgot he had and Kaneki had been desperate to feel something other than afraid for the longest time. That’s what drew him to Uta, but that’s what also made them too volatile.

 

Uta gave him the ability to see beyond the next few days instead of hiding from them and he never wanted to go back to hiding. He only had two more months left of high school, two more months of living in a town that never understood him, and then he’d be gone. He wanted to graduate, he wanted to go to college, and he wanted a future for himself. With Uta it wouldn’t be a future, not with how they were now. 

 

Uta’s arms dropped lifeless to his sides and his eyes turned dark and menacing. Accusation bled through the red of his eyes and Kaneki felt Uta's hurt mirrored in his own. “Why not!? Didn’t you say you wanted out of this place?”

 

“Yes, but—”

 

“Then why won’t you come with me? We could do it! I need you to come with me, Kaneki. I can’t do it on my own!”

 

“Uta, it’s not—“ Uta shoved him back and Kaneki felt himself fall, landing all wrong on his arm. He cried out in pain, but Uta was already stalking away, his hands shoved angrily into his pockets. Kaneki called his name but the other was already disappearing without a glance backward.

 

***

 

After two days of continued silence, Kaneki finally made his way over to Yomo and Itori’s shop. He saw the white haired man first, as he sat tinkering with one of his tattoo kits, and walked up to him.

 

“Yomo…have you seen Uta around? He won’t answer any of my calls or texts...” Yomo turned his blank gaze up from his work. Kaneki had never been good at reading the other’s expressions.

 

“He left.” Yomo’s words were expressionless.

 

“What do you mean he left?” Dawning realization was hitting him. Uta actually left. Kaneki hadn’t thought he would, not after his refusal to go. His voice was breathless and he felt a numb kind of awe hit him “When?”

 

“Two days ago. He borrowed some money from me and took a bus. Are you surprised?”

 

“I’m not, I just…”

 

“You thought he wouldn’t go because you didn’t?” There was no accusation in Yomo’s tone but Kaneki heard it anyway. “Uta survived most of his life without you, not always well, but he did.” The other’s words stung and he felt wounded at the implications of them. He watched their face soften slightly and heard the fondness in their voice. “He’s survived but I think you helped him realize what living was.”

 

Kaneki was left speechless and Yomo returned to his work. After a moment he finally asked, “Did he leave you any contact information?” Yomo just shook his head once and as Kaneki reached the door he heard their deep voice.

 

“He said he’d call when he got settled in.” Yomo gave a shrug without taking his eyes off his work. “I don’t know when that will be or if it’ll happen.”

 

Kaneki gave a smile of thanks and left. An unbearable wave of sadness filled him. It hurt a lot now, to realize they were gone, but dimly he knew if Uta hadn’t left they probably would have stayed together, stuck in this town and cycling through each day chasing a different high, until they burnt out on each other.

 

***

 

Kaneki had a rough two months until graduation. He didn’t go back to hiding like before but his interactions with those at his school and home were hollow. The only time he felt connections with people were when he crashed at Itori’s and hung out with Yomo while he worked. Even without Uta he was better than he had been. He still missed the other terribly and worried about him, but whenever he fell into spaced out silence Yomo or Itori would distract him or reassure him. Uta was capable on his own.

 

Graduation came and went and Kaneki found himself packing his bags and heading to university. He never said goodbye to his aunt and he knew she wasn’t expecting one. Tokyo was loud and crowded and so different from what he was used to. It felt suffocating at times but he managed. Classes were hard but exciting and he managed to find some friends to fill up his free time.

 

“Kaneki!” Tsukiyama’s loud voice screeched into his ear and he held the cell phone away with a wince. He heard a bit of wrestling and a loud yelp of protest before the voice was replaced by the soft, bored tone of Touka.

 

“Are you almost here? Tsukiyama’s being a bother.” Kaneki heard the offended gasp of the other but paid it no mind.

 

“Yeah, yeah. I just need to pick up some coffee first, I’m dead tired.” Touka made a noncommittal noise in reply and hung up the phone. Kaneki smiled in response before a yawn wracked his body. He really was tired and needed caffeine before attempting an all-nighter with those two.

 

He stopped in a small café on the way to Touka’s apartment. Tsukiyama always raved about it when they passed and he figured he’d indulge the other’s “gourmet” tastes. He dug in his pocket for some cash and set it on the counter as he looked up toward the menu. His eyes caught on a familiar set of lips and his eyes finished scanning upward to meet the surprised expression of Uta. Kaneki was sure his own expression mirrored theirs and he felt a sensation of floating run through his body.

 

Before he could think of something to say Uta spoke with a soft, hesitant voice, something Kaneki was so unused to hearing from them. “What can I get you today?”

 

Kaneki’s mind fumbled for words much like they had the first time they met but it had become a little easier to talk to people now and he spoke with barely a tremble in his voice, “White chocolate mocha…please.”

 

There was a hint of a smile that curved Uta’s lips upward and he nodded and rang the order up. Another server behind him began preparing the drink and Kaneki stood waiting for his change. No one was in line behind him so he didn’t feel guilty about standing and staring at the other. Maybe if they had split while still living in the same town he’d have looked away, mumbled something too quiet to hear, and ignored the soft regretful look the other was giving him. But they weren’t in that place anymore and Kaneki wasn’t the same soft spoken and scared boy he used to be.

 

Uta handed him his change and Kaneki accepted it with a thank you a little more heartfelt than necessary.

 

A brief pause of silence rested between them before Uta spoke first, “You look good…happy.” The words seemed genuine and maybe relieved. Kaneki was still reeling from the sight of the other but he nodded quickly realizing he’d missed their voice.

 

“So do you…how long have you been working here?” It wasn’t quite what Kaneki wanted to say. He wanted to ask how he’s been, if he regretted leaving, whether he missed him or not, but the words he got out held enough inflection that he hoped his unvoiced questions were heard.  

 

“Yeah…yeah, I’ve been working here for a few weeks now. Only part time though…I’ve been going to art school.” Uta laughed like it was no big deal and Kaneki smiled surprised. He looked good. The contacts were out of his eyes and he saw the clear rich brown of them. He was missing his lip piercing but his eyebrow one was still in place, if slightly hidden by his hair. The tremor of his hands Kaneki was so used to seeing seemed like it had all but disappeared.

 

“Well, you look really good in that apron.” He watched Uta laugh sincerely and he couldn’t help but smile some more. Eventually Uta handed him his drink and he noticed their gaze cast down briefly before meeting his again. It wasn’t often he saw the other shy or bashful and maybe they weren’t now, but it felt like a wall of too many things between them, neither of them knowing what to say, not yet anyway. “Anyway, I’ll…see you around.” And Kaneki wasn’t sure if he would but he left the possibility open, hoping the other wanted to see him again.

 

Uta nodded and gave a short, stunted wave,  “Yeah, I’ll see you.” It looked like he had more to say but he held it back. Kaneki bit his lip and walked out the door. He stopped a step outside and paused as he noticed Uta’s neat scrawl on the side of the cup. It had nothing more than his phone number but Kaneki smiled wide and goofy all the same.  

 

He turned to glance back, feeling the familiar pull of Uta’s gaze. Uta was smiling, soft, like he used to when they lay cramped together in his too small bed, stealing air from each other’s mouths. He returned the smile feeling a warm peacefulness wrap around him. The spell broke as another customer pulled Uta’s gaze away. After one more moment of staring, Kaneki turned around and began walking again.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Uta's neck tattoo is a latin phrase written in greek and has been translated to english as the title of this fic lol! and the one Kaneki wanted to get is the first part of that quote which is: Difficult or easy, pleasant or bitter, you are the same you


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